peace in misery

I’ve been avoiding been personal on this blog because

1. I think it is generally not something people want to read
2. being open makes you more vulnerable

but I’m gonna write this regardless because I hope that if I make myself vulnerable I find the strength to change.

Misery has been a pretty constant part of my life, people have always treated me alien, less than human, like an animal because I’m pretty weird to them which has lead to people treating me according to those expectations.

To try and remidy the situation I put on a character, a persona, someone who did not exhibit the negative traits that made people not see me as human.

Sometime as a teen I was then diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and given drugs that helped me actually function for a while until they didn’t and I was told that I simply need to want it for them to function but they never did again.

Instead all if gave me was a negative sense of self, panic attacks and a lot of mental problems which resulted in me dropping them completely and not going to my psychatrist anymore.

With all of that I continued doing bad in life because I couldn’t get myself under control, doing horrible in school and such but just good enough to graduate because the alternative would be being screamed at gutterly.

Further education wasn’t easier until I snapped mentally and completely disassociated which made it possible to actually do well at the cost of dying inside, since then I’ve been living a life that did not include me and only existed to do what others thought was best for me.

The only things that I allowed myself are those that overlap with the public persona so I heavily worked on Open Source to fill a gap in myself that I didn’t know how to deal with and in the process that misery only grew because I projected the expectations that were put on me onto other people which only drove them away and got me thrown out of many projects.

I’ve practically gone through 3 lifetimes through all of this losing many friends, communities and more along the way because I was incapable of dealing with my own faults, though I would like to think I’ve grown more and more with every part in-part because I got out of groups that pulled me into toxic behavior that enabled me.

Right now I struggle with my 4th lifetime, I’m incapable of understanding social nuances and don’t always know what is and isn’t right to say in a given context (other than the obvious bits) which leads to me making others uncomfortable which then flushes me down a spiral of misery because I see it as me being a complete failure who can’t even do the most trivial things to treat the people I care about the most with the respect they deserve. I can’t even talk to them about it because it puts a crippling fear inside of me and I hope that I can one day but maybe I won’t, can’t so I am just destined to move on to the next group where I will repeat the same pattern, though hopefully I improve more from the experience.

I think everyone stopped reading at this point so I’m gonna vent a bit about identity: I was never really happy with my gender and even when I was a teenager I have thought how much more I would like to be something else but with how teenagers are often portrayed I considered it to be nothing more but the stupidity of a child who did not know better and successfully repressed those false feelings because even if they were true I do not exactly have an environment that would support me so I might as well not try. The thought popped up a few more times but by then I always rationalized it as being too late, that if I did anything I should have done it back then but eh who cares, it doesn’t matter. A decade later the idea popped up back but in the inverse, I hated being what I was born into, I’m mentally ill in many ways but looking into a mirror and hating everything you see and it being directly tied to your identity makes you miserable in a way that cannot be written down. What’s the solution here? Let’s dwell on the thought but in the meantime your body and mind will play tricks on you, you start getting panic attacks out of nowhere, manic episodes that drive you insane and physical pain that doctors cannot figure out outside of it being something psychological but it is there and you are dying so you better find a solution and fast but with how society is you can’t really find a pyschologist or therapist easily and even then there is a high chance that they absolutely suck like they did for me before and that absolutely nothing will improve but you got to try, hope is the last thing you got and if you lose that then it’s truly over so what do you do where do you go, who can you ask? Do you really want to make yourself a burden onto others again? Is the pain of it really that bad if sharing the pain only substitutes it with another? I’ve tried talking to people in my personal life about this and the best response I’ve gotten was in no uncertain terms telling me I would be “dead” to them despite claiming to be supportive so what can you do? Am I destined to be a self-hating miserable bastard that cannot look at himself in the mirror, someone whos crowning achievement in life is pushing others away and putting up a facade to be someone I am not? It’s been long and hard time but I’ve started living for myself again and rekindled interests in things I have long discarded as something I cannot be allowed to enjoy because of how others may perceive me, over that time I’ve also done a massive amount of research and decided to undertake hormone replacement therapy which thus far has been like injecting liquid peace into myself, as if it quelled a burning fire within me and I hope that I can finally heal with that. My issues still aren’t all resolved and I definitely feel that though think this is the way to heal and become the person I was always suppose to be, no matter how much it takes.

Somewhere within the misery there is peace and if you can find it you can live long enough to deal with the misery on your own pace.
If you see me online somewhere remember to slap me over the head.

But sometimes I wake up jealous of no one in particular
Just jealous that there are other ways to live that aren’t this

^{Danny Brown. “RIGHT FROM WRONG”, 2025}